Chubby is the New Thin

I’ve heard it said that men don’t really care about a little extra weight on a woman. Looking back, most of the men I’ve attracted and started a relationship with came at a time when I felt on the chubby side. For me, calling myself chubby is at least 10 lbs over my favorite weight. I’ve gone up and down 20 lbs so many times in my life it’s like f-in deja vus.

My weight history is opposite of most. I get chubbier when I’m single and thin out when I fall for someone rather than most people who thin out when they’re lonely and looking. Also, how I feel in my body directly correlates with how much I date. So if I’m feeling “fat” then I’m not feeling confident and therefore not putting my best self out there and not dating as much. (See post titled Qualities That Attract below.) I think I’ve felt fat for most of my life. What is wrong with our society?

I’ve noticed that my taste in attractive women is women with some extra weight on their bones. I think too skinny is unhealthy looking on a woman. Moreover, they have more wrinkles. Am I the only one that thinks chubby can be more attractive? Is chubby the new thin?

I’ve heard older women talk about life getting better with age. Oprah leads the argument on her 50s being her best decade. This year I turned 38. I almost don’t want to mention it for fear of losing it (knock on wood here), but I actually see myself differently. I actually like the look of the extra 10 pounds, even naked.

I want to hear from the men out there. If you’re not a man, ask a man in your life, one that will give an honest answer. Does it really matter? Does an extra 10-20 pounds really turn someone off?

Are you willing to start the “chubby is the new thin” movement with me?

To online date or not to online date?

That is the question. Most of my married friends (I call them “the marrieds”) say they would do it if they were single. My first experience with online dating a few years back wasn’t fruitful, but it did teach me a lot about myself and how I date. By going through the process of filling out a profile or in-depth questionnaire, you are forced to look at yourself, what you bring to a relationship and what you’re looking for in a relationship. For anyone that wants to date or eventually find a relationship I say do it! And do it with no expectation for the end result. Do it for the experience itself. You may meet a bunch of losers, but what if those losers have some hot friends? Come to think of it, I think it should be a required step for everyone that wants a relationship and can’t figure out why its not happening. What have you got to loose? You tell me, are there reasons against it?

Singles Events--a night at the ball park

Have you ever attended a singles event? The idea is great. Throw a party for singles to meet and mingle with a common goal. The best singles event I've been to--and one of only a few--was a house party, hosted by a close friend where all the invitees were single. It was during the holiday season and ended up successful for many of the guests, at least for the night. ;)

I think at the right venue a "singles night" is a great idea. --If you request suggestions or tips please comment your question on this post.--

I'm not a HUGE sports fan, but when I heard that the ball park was hosting a singles night on one of the last games of the season I thought it sounded fun. Two single girl friends and one single guy friend thought it sounded fun too.

When we got there it was a little embarrassing, almost humiliating. One area roped off with a huge sign "SINGLES NIGHT." In other words: here are all the lost souls with no luck finding love or with issues bigger than themselves.We found an excuse to walk by once or twice and then finally entered. Good thing they offered a free drink with admission because that's why we braved the roped off area.

One word: awkward. Everyone looking around at everyone else, no one quite wants to make eye contact. People talking to their friends, people alone, wandering around and around. Painful is another word. I tried to say something to the guys behind us in line to get our free drink. One looked at me as if I was speaking Martian and then continued on with their conversation.

The good thing about it was the variety of people. All different styles of dress, different races represented, and ages ranging from ~21 up to 50+. With luck anyone hypothetically could meet someone there.

My friends and I continued to chat while consciously trying to stay open to conversation with others. --At an event like this or anytime you are out specifically to meet someone you really have to make an effort to be open. More than one person is much less approachable.--

One brave woman had made a big sign to hold during the game. You know the signs people make, trying to get on tv? Along with it she brought extra poster paper and a big, fat sharpie for others to make a sign too. Props to her for her creativity. Turned out to be a good conversation starter. Suddenly I had the best idea I'd had in months. I made a sign with my "single stats." You know how on a dating website you post who you are and what you're looking for? I put it down on my poster: "5'10", Straight, Red Hair, Brown Eyes" Then I put my seat number: "Bleachers 140 row 18 seat 14."

I thoroughly entertained myself and the best part was that two men approached me before I even finished writing the sign. My two girlfriends then made signs saying "I'm with her" with an arrow pointing to me. We had fun, laughing, getting our picture taken and mingling with other people along the way.

You gotta take a risk sometimes. Bet big to win big. No fool, no fun.

In the end I met a nice guy that I was even attracted to. We had good conversation and he came to find me in my seat. We've talked on the phone and texted since then, making plans to hang out again. I'd call that a successful event.

Qualities that Attract

What is the single most important quality to have to attract a partner?

I say its confidence. When you love yourself, others love you. When you love who you are, you put the best of yourself out in the world and people are attracted to that. I’ve found I can be confident in different areas at different times. You know what has worked for me? If I’m not feeling my best, the mantra that goes through my head as I’m falling asleep is: I love me. I love me. Over and over. If that doesn’t work, fake it till you make it! What do you think is the most important quality to have to attract a partner? And/or what do you do to lift yourself up?

What would you rather?

I'd love to hear from you! Please comment by listing the following in order of preference:

-date someone with a lower income level

-date someone with no car

-date someone with a difficult mom

-date someone with a self-degrading sense of humor

Who pays??

This one I need help with. Especially with online dating. What’s your opinion? When is it appropriate to go dutch and when does one person treat? I know I like a man to pay for me; it seems traditional, maybe even old fashioned, but it's what I want. It shows that he wants to be there with me. I in turn will cook dinner for him and/or treat every few times.

Maybe my desire to be treated stems from my past issue of taking care of people, even supporting men financially in a relationship. (Oh, if I could take that back now how my life would be less stressful.) But, here I am. And really it seems finding a relationship is as much timing as it is anything else. In this time in my life I want to be treated, I want to attract a man who is financially stable enough to take me out. Am I asking too much?

Being Open

As I step into this umpteenth attempt to date I realize that different age groups probably have different rules. Or is it different expectations? But isn't it ok to have some expectations at 37? I say yes.

I'm learning that most of the men don’t plan a date ahead of time but give more of a "what do you want to do? where do you want to go?" attempt at taking me out. I choose to look at that behavior as sensitive to my needs. See I've come to a place where I choose to be open.

I have turned down many a guy for reasons that now seem a bit on the picky side. Not that I regret any of them; I'm pretty happy with my place in life, even in the relationship realm. In other words, there isn't one from my past that feels like "the one that got away."

The best thing about my personal stage in dating and relationships is that I just don't care as much. I finally know what it is that I'm looking for in a relationship, which only came to awareness a few years ago, and is probably still evolving. So when a guy who hasn't yet proven to be a fit of all my partnership desires doesn't call, I don't really think twice about it.

There was a time when it would have been the only thing on my mind.