Well it's been a while since I've checked in with you (or with myself for that matter) about this whole damn process. Warning: this blog is going to drift from a dating blog to more of a journal of self-exploration. First I shall update you with the experiment. Although I didn't step to the challenge of putting myself out there face-to-face with the workaholic I did call him recently for other reasons and realized for the final time that this man is not for me.
There has been crisis going on in my family. This is such a huge topic that I don't even know where to go from that sentence. It's one of those things that I don't even know if talking/writing about it is a good idea. No one can really understand and therefore what is the worth of letting people in? In situations such as these you have to be mindful choosing who you let in because some cause more pain when they attempt to help.
Real sympathy and empathy is a blessing and a curse wouldn't you say? Add to that the bond of mother/daughter--a relationship of reciprocal knowing--which deepens the emotions.
My mom can't walk. Bleh. She has fought a nerve disease since she was 18. Happy Holidays came with a vengeance for her this year, adding more fear, more struggles, more pain, more emotion, deep sadness. Funny, those descriptions describe us both so clearly yet she is the one that is disabled.
Needless to say dating has been the farthest thing on my mind. Alternately, having a partner has been a prevalent thought. The before mentioned successful man/workaholic is in the health field so I called on him for assistance. Although he talked big and sounded helpful initially, when the time came that I actually asked for his help (an evaluation visit to my mom) he didn't call till many hours too late, stating an emergency had come up. Bleh to that as well. See, I don't believe this man's words. I think he says what he thinks you want to hear. He is closed off. Not for me. Experiment cancelled.
Now back to the deeper issue. How significantly easier this all would be with a partner to help. But here I am with more baggage than I can carry and I expect and hope a man will join me on this journey? At this point in time that idea is laughable.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
You Attract What You Are
The below mentioned experiment is off to a s-l-o-w start. I made some effort to see this man before the Thanksgiving holiday when he was leaving town. But, honestly it really wasn't a determined effort. This man will be good practice for me, but he just doesn't spark that motivation to pursue. And since I’ve vowed to follow my gut, this experiment takes some more effort.
Recently a thought has been circling and resurfacing and frankly causing some discomfort in my brain. They say "like attracts like" or “you are what you attract.” So if my complaint is that every man I meet is incapable of true emotion and/or an emotional connection, what does that say about me?
The good news, I tell myself, is that the kind of man I am attracted to is changing. It used to be the extremely good looking, bad boy or in other words the emotionally incapable. Now those turn me off a bit. Phew.
I am determined to invite this hard working (nice way of saying workaholic), successful man over for dinner, woo him with food, wine and finally ask him directly what it is he’s really looking for. If he proves to be slightly of the abovementioned category then I’m dunzo with money man.
Thanks for your support.
Recently a thought has been circling and resurfacing and frankly causing some discomfort in my brain. They say "like attracts like" or “you are what you attract.” So if my complaint is that every man I meet is incapable of true emotion and/or an emotional connection, what does that say about me?
The good news, I tell myself, is that the kind of man I am attracted to is changing. It used to be the extremely good looking, bad boy or in other words the emotionally incapable. Now those turn me off a bit. Phew.
I am determined to invite this hard working (nice way of saying workaholic), successful man over for dinner, woo him with food, wine and finally ask him directly what it is he’s really looking for. If he proves to be slightly of the abovementioned category then I’m dunzo with money man.
Thanks for your support.
Monday, November 16, 2009
A Man and an Experiment
As much as I hate this fact, dating is a game, wondering what to do, how to do it right. Do I call today? Do I call tomorrow? Next week? He said "___" what does that mean? I'm tired of trying to do the right thing with dating. My goal is to follow my gut from now on.
There is man I haven't told you about. We have gone out on a handful of dates over a year span. We met at a benefit for a mutual friend who had tragically (and way prematurely) had a brain aneurism and then a stroke on the operating table. Luckily she survived and still works on her physical re-gain daily. Back to the man. Meeting this tall, handsome, successful specimen as well as our seeming connection felt real good. It was a story you'd want to tell people. "We met at a benefit, we were drawn to each other, we've been in love ever since..." Except for the “been in love ever since” part. See, although everything seemed right from the meeting and the subsequent interactions it turns out that this man is married to his career and education. At the time he was getting his doctorate and he already has an extremely successful career and business on the side. Need I reiterate? Extremely successful.
We have a really nice connection. Magic kisses as we've said, something that draws us physically together. But, no follow through. He would talk about having more time for other things in his life when he finished his doctorate, but I was always skeptical. And then after great dates and one follow up call or text the next day I wouldn't hear from him for weeks or months. He was showing me that he isn't looking for the same thing I am at this time. I want that gotta be with you kind of love.
Now to the experiment in mind, but first let me tell you the inspiration. The last time I saw this man was two and a half months ago. We had a great date--fun and romantic. After a nice follow up text the next day we haven't contacted each other since. This morning we texted each other at the exact same time. Weird, right? So I wonder what could happen with this man if I put more effort of pursuing in. I mean, I've thought to myself that I have no game. I don't know how to capture a man. This one I have no emotional ties to. We have fun together and an attraction, but he hasn't shown me that he can give the kind of connection that I'm looking for. What if I practice my game with him? Who knows what could happen, right?
There is man I haven't told you about. We have gone out on a handful of dates over a year span. We met at a benefit for a mutual friend who had tragically (and way prematurely) had a brain aneurism and then a stroke on the operating table. Luckily she survived and still works on her physical re-gain daily. Back to the man. Meeting this tall, handsome, successful specimen as well as our seeming connection felt real good. It was a story you'd want to tell people. "We met at a benefit, we were drawn to each other, we've been in love ever since..." Except for the “been in love ever since” part. See, although everything seemed right from the meeting and the subsequent interactions it turns out that this man is married to his career and education. At the time he was getting his doctorate and he already has an extremely successful career and business on the side. Need I reiterate? Extremely successful.
We have a really nice connection. Magic kisses as we've said, something that draws us physically together. But, no follow through. He would talk about having more time for other things in his life when he finished his doctorate, but I was always skeptical. And then after great dates and one follow up call or text the next day I wouldn't hear from him for weeks or months. He was showing me that he isn't looking for the same thing I am at this time. I want that gotta be with you kind of love.
Now to the experiment in mind, but first let me tell you the inspiration. The last time I saw this man was two and a half months ago. We had a great date--fun and romantic. After a nice follow up text the next day we haven't contacted each other since. This morning we texted each other at the exact same time. Weird, right? So I wonder what could happen with this man if I put more effort of pursuing in. I mean, I've thought to myself that I have no game. I don't know how to capture a man. This one I have no emotional ties to. We have fun together and an attraction, but he hasn't shown me that he can give the kind of connection that I'm looking for. What if I practice my game with him? Who knows what could happen, right?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Broken Age Barrier
Initial meeting with The Talker and I broke the age barrier! Maybe it was a barrier that I created on my own and maybe I was the only one blocked by this "he must be hot" barrier, but still, this date proves that it's broken.
eHarmony first meeting with a man 7 years older than I (not the long winded emailer previously mentioned). In my past older was unheard of. I mean, I live young, I think young, I look young (well, I used to...I look younger than I am...I hope!) Based on the profile and pictures of this older gentleman I wasn't sure that he would have been a match; I thought maybe too dorky for me. It seems that my confidant and closest girlfriend is owed gratitude for the connection. She said "I wish for you a fun night! I don't care about expectations or any of that, I just hope you go out and have a fun night!" That hope for me changed my outlook on the night and it turned out to be a good one. We met at a nice bar and each paid for our own drinks and talked and talked for two hours plus. We laughed, we had common interests, and we shared insight and information. Even with receding grey hair I could see myself kissing him. This may not sound like such a break through to you, but to me it is leaps and bounds. Some day I'll tell you about the greatest age difference in a relationship that I've experienced. I wasn't the young one.
Anyway, for now we'll call him The Talker, because he did have a lot to say. But he listened too and for now what he has to say is interesting. Normally I find it incredibly annoying when people talk too much, but The Talker stays on track, he lets you add comments and questions, he is not is his own world, he is aware. I can sense honesty about him which you have to respect.
The end of the "date" was a little awkward. He walked me to my car and getting ready for the goodbye suddenly got tense. Where he was totally secure talking on a bar stool, he seemed unsure maybe even insecure standing next to me near my car. A little more small talk, then a sudden, hard kiss on the cheek and a hug, a goodbye and he walked off. The kiss on the cheek came from no where; the timing was off so although I hugged him back I didn't reciprocate the kiss. Oh well, on to the next date and let’s make this one an official date.
eHarmony first meeting with a man 7 years older than I (not the long winded emailer previously mentioned). In my past older was unheard of. I mean, I live young, I think young, I look young (well, I used to...I look younger than I am...I hope!) Based on the profile and pictures of this older gentleman I wasn't sure that he would have been a match; I thought maybe too dorky for me. It seems that my confidant and closest girlfriend is owed gratitude for the connection. She said "I wish for you a fun night! I don't care about expectations or any of that, I just hope you go out and have a fun night!" That hope for me changed my outlook on the night and it turned out to be a good one. We met at a nice bar and each paid for our own drinks and talked and talked for two hours plus. We laughed, we had common interests, and we shared insight and information. Even with receding grey hair I could see myself kissing him. This may not sound like such a break through to you, but to me it is leaps and bounds. Some day I'll tell you about the greatest age difference in a relationship that I've experienced. I wasn't the young one.
Anyway, for now we'll call him The Talker, because he did have a lot to say. But he listened too and for now what he has to say is interesting. Normally I find it incredibly annoying when people talk too much, but The Talker stays on track, he lets you add comments and questions, he is not is his own world, he is aware. I can sense honesty about him which you have to respect.
The end of the "date" was a little awkward. He walked me to my car and getting ready for the goodbye suddenly got tense. Where he was totally secure talking on a bar stool, he seemed unsure maybe even insecure standing next to me near my car. A little more small talk, then a sudden, hard kiss on the cheek and a hug, a goodbye and he walked off. The kiss on the cheek came from no where; the timing was off so although I hugged him back I didn't reciprocate the kiss. Oh well, on to the next date and let’s make this one an official date.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Is it rude to give someone advice on a dating website?
So, eHarmony is a lot of work. Once you are matched with someone you go through a series of questions before you start communicating with them. Although I am appreciative of the process I still think you really have to meet someone face to face before you can decide if they are a true match for you. I like to go through the questions and men's profiles, but I don't take the process too seriously; I want to meet the person face to face.
Recently I made it through the round of questions with a match. Once we got to the "open communication" phase I received a looooooooooooong email from him with every detail of work, recent surgery, etc, etc. Honestly, I didn't even read the whole damn thing. Now I'm considering my response. Part of me wants to say, dude, seriously? Do you want a relationship with my email or with me? Is it rude to tell him?
Ok, so I'll find a tactful way to respond, but I'm thinking that if I was doing something that turned someone off, something that was that simple to fix, I'd probably want to know about it.
Recently I made it through the round of questions with a match. Once we got to the "open communication" phase I received a looooooooooooong email from him with every detail of work, recent surgery, etc, etc. Honestly, I didn't even read the whole damn thing. Now I'm considering my response. Part of me wants to say, dude, seriously? Do you want a relationship with my email or with me? Is it rude to tell him?
Ok, so I'll find a tactful way to respond, but I'm thinking that if I was doing something that turned someone off, something that was that simple to fix, I'd probably want to know about it.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Dating is a Part-Time Job
It’s not a surprise that there are many single people in their late 30s and over. Dating is exhausting. You have to put your best foot forward and with life’s daily responsibilities this really takes effort. It takes time to get to know someone, time for a spark to grow and who has that time anymore? When I do get free time there is a list of friends that I don't get to see often enough that could trump a meeting with someone new that hasn't ignited a spark quite yet.
At this point people my age are most likely settled with their jobs, friends, sometimes kids, home ownership, etc. It’s like an additional part-time job to date and look for a partner. Once a single woman even older than I said to me “well, don’t wait too long to settle down or you’ll end up alone.” I mean, it really is a choice right? I guess if I really chose to just be with someone I could have been with the last loser that liked me. Does that mean I’m not putting in the effort needed to find the kind of person and/or relationship I want?
Feels to me like I’ve put in the effort. I’ve made my list of desired traits in a mate, I’ve done the damn affirmations, I online date, I attend singles events, I tell friends I want to be set up, I’ve put myself out there in many ways. Is it that the men are not willing to put in the effort? Sure seems like the ones I meet aren’t. Am I looking in the wrong places? Is it really a matter of timing and fate? Who knows? For me, I just try to live in the moment and be thankful for the joy that is in my life already. Because if life really turns out the way you choose, then I am single by choice.
At this point people my age are most likely settled with their jobs, friends, sometimes kids, home ownership, etc. It’s like an additional part-time job to date and look for a partner. Once a single woman even older than I said to me “well, don’t wait too long to settle down or you’ll end up alone.” I mean, it really is a choice right? I guess if I really chose to just be with someone I could have been with the last loser that liked me. Does that mean I’m not putting in the effort needed to find the kind of person and/or relationship I want?
Feels to me like I’ve put in the effort. I’ve made my list of desired traits in a mate, I’ve done the damn affirmations, I online date, I attend singles events, I tell friends I want to be set up, I’ve put myself out there in many ways. Is it that the men are not willing to put in the effort? Sure seems like the ones I meet aren’t. Am I looking in the wrong places? Is it really a matter of timing and fate? Who knows? For me, I just try to live in the moment and be thankful for the joy that is in my life already. Because if life really turns out the way you choose, then I am single by choice.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Chubby is the New Thin
I’ve heard it said that men don’t really care about a little extra weight on a woman. Looking back, most of the men I’ve attracted and started a relationship with came at a time when I felt on the chubby side. For me, calling myself chubby is at least 10 lbs over my favorite weight. I’ve gone up and down 20 lbs so many times in my life it’s like f-in deja vus.
My weight history is opposite of most. I get chubbier when I’m single and thin out when I fall for someone rather than most people who thin out when they’re lonely and looking. Also, how I feel in my body directly correlates with how much I date. So if I’m feeling “fat” then I’m not feeling confident and therefore not putting my best self out there and not dating as much. (See post titled Qualities That Attract below.) I think I’ve felt fat for most of my life. What is wrong with our society?
I’ve noticed that my taste in attractive women is women with some extra weight on their bones. I think too skinny is unhealthy looking on a woman. Moreover, they have more wrinkles. Am I the only one that thinks chubby can be more attractive? Is chubby the new thin?
I’ve heard older women talk about life getting better with age. Oprah leads the argument on her 50s being her best decade. This year I turned 38. I almost don’t want to mention it for fear of losing it (knock on wood here), but I actually see myself differently. I actually like the look of the extra 10 pounds, even naked.
I want to hear from the men out there. If you’re not a man, ask a man in your life, one that will give an honest answer. Does it really matter? Does an extra 10-20 pounds really turn someone off?
Are you willing to start the “chubby is the new thin” movement with me?
My weight history is opposite of most. I get chubbier when I’m single and thin out when I fall for someone rather than most people who thin out when they’re lonely and looking. Also, how I feel in my body directly correlates with how much I date. So if I’m feeling “fat” then I’m not feeling confident and therefore not putting my best self out there and not dating as much. (See post titled Qualities That Attract below.) I think I’ve felt fat for most of my life. What is wrong with our society?
I’ve noticed that my taste in attractive women is women with some extra weight on their bones. I think too skinny is unhealthy looking on a woman. Moreover, they have more wrinkles. Am I the only one that thinks chubby can be more attractive? Is chubby the new thin?
I’ve heard older women talk about life getting better with age. Oprah leads the argument on her 50s being her best decade. This year I turned 38. I almost don’t want to mention it for fear of losing it (knock on wood here), but I actually see myself differently. I actually like the look of the extra 10 pounds, even naked.
I want to hear from the men out there. If you’re not a man, ask a man in your life, one that will give an honest answer. Does it really matter? Does an extra 10-20 pounds really turn someone off?
Are you willing to start the “chubby is the new thin” movement with me?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
To online date or not to online date?
That is the question. Most of my married friends (I call them “the marrieds”) say they would do it if they were single. My first experience with online dating a few years back wasn’t fruitful, but it did teach me a lot about myself and how I date. By going through the process of filling out a profile or in-depth questionnaire, you are forced to look at yourself, what you bring to a relationship and what you’re looking for in a relationship. For anyone that wants to date or eventually find a relationship I say do it! And do it with no expectation for the end result. Do it for the experience itself. You may meet a bunch of losers, but what if those losers have some hot friends? Come to think of it, I think it should be a required step for everyone that wants a relationship and can’t figure out why its not happening. What have you got to loose? You tell me, are there reasons against it?
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Singles Events--a night at the ball park
Have you ever attended a singles event? The idea is great. Throw a party for singles to meet and mingle with a common goal. The best singles event I've been to--and one of only a few--was a house party, hosted by a close friend where all the invitees were single. It was during the holiday season and ended up successful for many of the guests, at least for the night. ;)
I think at the right venue a "singles night" is a great idea. --If you request suggestions or tips please comment your question on this post.--
I'm not a HUGE sports fan, but when I heard that the ball park was hosting a singles night on one of the last games of the season I thought it sounded fun. Two single girl friends and one single guy friend thought it sounded fun too.
When we got there it was a little embarrassing, almost humiliating. One area roped off with a huge sign "SINGLES NIGHT." In other words: here are all the lost souls with no luck finding love or with issues bigger than themselves.We found an excuse to walk by once or twice and then finally entered. Good thing they offered a free drink with admission because that's why we braved the roped off area.
One word: awkward. Everyone looking around at everyone else, no one quite wants to make eye contact. People talking to their friends, people alone, wandering around and around. Painful is another word. I tried to say something to the guys behind us in line to get our free drink. One looked at me as if I was speaking Martian and then continued on with their conversation.
The good thing about it was the variety of people. All different styles of dress, different races represented, and ages ranging from ~21 up to 50+. With luck anyone hypothetically could meet someone there.
My friends and I continued to chat while consciously trying to stay open to conversation with others. --At an event like this or anytime you are out specifically to meet someone you really have to make an effort to be open. More than one person is much less approachable.--
One brave woman had made a big sign to hold during the game. You know the signs people make, trying to get on tv? Along with it she brought extra poster paper and a big, fat sharpie for others to make a sign too. Props to her for her creativity. Turned out to be a good conversation starter. Suddenly I had the best idea I'd had in months. I made a sign with my "single stats." You know how on a dating website you post who you are and what you're looking for? I put it down on my poster: "5'10", Straight, Red Hair, Brown Eyes" Then I put my seat number: "Bleachers 140 row 18 seat 14."
I thoroughly entertained myself and the best part was that two men approached me before I even finished writing the sign. My two girlfriends then made signs saying "I'm with her" with an arrow pointing to me. We had fun, laughing, getting our picture taken and mingling with other people along the way.
You gotta take a risk sometimes. Bet big to win big. No fool, no fun.
In the end I met a nice guy that I was even attracted to. We had good conversation and he came to find me in my seat. We've talked on the phone and texted since then, making plans to hang out again. I'd call that a successful event.
I think at the right venue a "singles night" is a great idea. --If you request suggestions or tips please comment your question on this post.--
I'm not a HUGE sports fan, but when I heard that the ball park was hosting a singles night on one of the last games of the season I thought it sounded fun. Two single girl friends and one single guy friend thought it sounded fun too.
When we got there it was a little embarrassing, almost humiliating. One area roped off with a huge sign "SINGLES NIGHT." In other words: here are all the lost souls with no luck finding love or with issues bigger than themselves.We found an excuse to walk by once or twice and then finally entered. Good thing they offered a free drink with admission because that's why we braved the roped off area.
One word: awkward. Everyone looking around at everyone else, no one quite wants to make eye contact. People talking to their friends, people alone, wandering around and around. Painful is another word. I tried to say something to the guys behind us in line to get our free drink. One looked at me as if I was speaking Martian and then continued on with their conversation.
The good thing about it was the variety of people. All different styles of dress, different races represented, and ages ranging from ~21 up to 50+. With luck anyone hypothetically could meet someone there.
My friends and I continued to chat while consciously trying to stay open to conversation with others. --At an event like this or anytime you are out specifically to meet someone you really have to make an effort to be open. More than one person is much less approachable.--
One brave woman had made a big sign to hold during the game. You know the signs people make, trying to get on tv? Along with it she brought extra poster paper and a big, fat sharpie for others to make a sign too. Props to her for her creativity. Turned out to be a good conversation starter. Suddenly I had the best idea I'd had in months. I made a sign with my "single stats." You know how on a dating website you post who you are and what you're looking for? I put it down on my poster: "5'10", Straight, Red Hair, Brown Eyes" Then I put my seat number: "Bleachers 140 row 18 seat 14."
I thoroughly entertained myself and the best part was that two men approached me before I even finished writing the sign. My two girlfriends then made signs saying "I'm with her" with an arrow pointing to me. We had fun, laughing, getting our picture taken and mingling with other people along the way.
You gotta take a risk sometimes. Bet big to win big. No fool, no fun.
In the end I met a nice guy that I was even attracted to. We had good conversation and he came to find me in my seat. We've talked on the phone and texted since then, making plans to hang out again. I'd call that a successful event.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Qualities that Attract
What is the single most important quality to have to attract a partner?
I say its confidence. When you love yourself, others love you. When you love who you are, you put the best of yourself out in the world and people are attracted to that. I’ve found I can be confident in different areas at different times. You know what has worked for me? If I’m not feeling my best, the mantra that goes through my head as I’m falling asleep is: I love me. I love me. Over and over. If that doesn’t work, fake it till you make it! What do you think is the most important quality to have to attract a partner? And/or what do you do to lift yourself up?
I say its confidence. When you love yourself, others love you. When you love who you are, you put the best of yourself out in the world and people are attracted to that. I’ve found I can be confident in different areas at different times. You know what has worked for me? If I’m not feeling my best, the mantra that goes through my head as I’m falling asleep is: I love me. I love me. Over and over. If that doesn’t work, fake it till you make it! What do you think is the most important quality to have to attract a partner? And/or what do you do to lift yourself up?
Friday, September 25, 2009
What would you rather?
I'd love to hear from you! Please comment by listing the following in order of preference:
-date someone with a lower income level
-date someone with no car
-date someone with a difficult mom
-date someone with a self-degrading sense of humor
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Who pays??
This one I need help with. Especially with online dating. What’s your opinion? When is it appropriate to go dutch and when does one person treat? I know I like a man to pay for me; it seems traditional, maybe even old fashioned, but it's what I want. It shows that he wants to be there with me. I in turn will cook dinner for him and/or treat every few times.
Maybe my desire to be treated stems from my past issue of taking care of people, even supporting men financially in a relationship. (Oh, if I could take that back now how my life would be less stressful.) But, here I am. And really it seems finding a relationship is as much timing as it is anything else. In this time in my life I want to be treated, I want to attract a man who is financially stable enough to take me out. Am I asking too much?
Maybe my desire to be treated stems from my past issue of taking care of people, even supporting men financially in a relationship. (Oh, if I could take that back now how my life would be less stressful.) But, here I am. And really it seems finding a relationship is as much timing as it is anything else. In this time in my life I want to be treated, I want to attract a man who is financially stable enough to take me out. Am I asking too much?
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Being Open
As I step into this umpteenth attempt to date I realize that different age groups probably have different rules. Or is it different expectations? But isn't it ok to have some expectations at 37? I say yes.
I'm learning that most of the men don’t plan a date ahead of time but give more of a "what do you want to do? where do you want to go?" attempt at taking me out. I choose to look at that behavior as sensitive to my needs. See I've come to a place where I choose to be open.
I have turned down many a guy for reasons that now seem a bit on the picky side. Not that I regret any of them; I'm pretty happy with my place in life, even in the relationship realm. In other words, there isn't one from my past that feels like "the one that got away."
The best thing about my personal stage in dating and relationships is that I just don't care as much. I finally know what it is that I'm looking for in a relationship, which only came to awareness a few years ago, and is probably still evolving. So when a guy who hasn't yet proven to be a fit of all my partnership desires doesn't call, I don't really think twice about it.
There was a time when it would have been the only thing on my mind.
I'm learning that most of the men don’t plan a date ahead of time but give more of a "what do you want to do? where do you want to go?" attempt at taking me out. I choose to look at that behavior as sensitive to my needs. See I've come to a place where I choose to be open.
I have turned down many a guy for reasons that now seem a bit on the picky side. Not that I regret any of them; I'm pretty happy with my place in life, even in the relationship realm. In other words, there isn't one from my past that feels like "the one that got away."
The best thing about my personal stage in dating and relationships is that I just don't care as much. I finally know what it is that I'm looking for in a relationship, which only came to awareness a few years ago, and is probably still evolving. So when a guy who hasn't yet proven to be a fit of all my partnership desires doesn't call, I don't really think twice about it.
There was a time when it would have been the only thing on my mind.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Date two with "The Groper"
Below is account of a second dinner date (last June) with who's become known as "The Groper."
I was right; the Groper made no plan. “When and where do you want to meet?” via text was his response to my text: “are we still on for tonight?” Now this is a nice guy, a gentleman, a single dad, teacher, open, seemingly honest. How does a man get to 36 without learning how to ask or take a girl out? Thus far in my current quest, this is a common occurrence. I’d say at the very least 50% of the single men in my age group have no clue how to man up, ask and take the lead on a date. I wonder if it has something to do with the state of the women’s movement in our society. It’s like the back lash of our quest for equality. We have scared the men away from the confidence to reach out to a woman for a date. Or maybe he’s just not that into me (accept for when he’s drunk and gropey).
My son will know how to date. I believe that men raised by single mothers turn out to be the most kind, sensitive-to-women and chivalrous men around. I’m realizing that dating should be taught.
How did you learn? There are lots of things about dating and sex that I wish I didn’t have to learn on my own.
Back to the date…No joke: after a couple discussions, the date plan was changed twice and we left the first place for another after we’d been seated. But we did end up at a nice Italian right on the main street down town. Great food, good conversation, flirting, open conversation. Highly enjoyable. Until the bill came. Am I wrong to want and expect to be treated to dinner? I offered to pay my part; I usually do. It seems the right thing to do even though I want to be treated. But this time I offered because he mentioned being “nervous to see the bill.” “Pay what you want” was his response. Hmmmmm…really? Reaching for my wallet, thinking ‘oops, do I have any cash?’ I said: “how about I pay the tax and tip?” Dinner total was only $58. He ended up covering the total. Was it a joke? Did he actually not want to pay? Who knows?
Now here’s the kicker. When it’s time for the date to be over we get to my car and he asks for a ride home. The first time we met he took a taxi to meet me out at birthday party at night. Red flag, right? No car? No license? DUI? Drunk before a dinner date? Well, I’m not going to skirt around any subject with a man I met on a dating website. I mean, we’ve both paid money to meet people, looking for a match; I need to know all the pertinent information up front.
I ask the questions. He “got a ride” to the date just in case he was too drunk to drive home. I’ll give him one thing; we met at a bar before dinner. But, I’m thinking it’s appropriate for a man to pick up a woman on a date and take her out. Am I wrong?
If his story is true the good thing here is that he is extra careful not to drive drunk. The bad news is that he considered getting that drunk on a first official date with me. Plus, second time meeting and no car sighting is odd in this county. Unless you’re a cyclist, you’re driving. Not the best public transit area.
I was right; the Groper made no plan. “When and where do you want to meet?” via text was his response to my text: “are we still on for tonight?” Now this is a nice guy, a gentleman, a single dad, teacher, open, seemingly honest. How does a man get to 36 without learning how to ask or take a girl out? Thus far in my current quest, this is a common occurrence. I’d say at the very least 50% of the single men in my age group have no clue how to man up, ask and take the lead on a date. I wonder if it has something to do with the state of the women’s movement in our society. It’s like the back lash of our quest for equality. We have scared the men away from the confidence to reach out to a woman for a date. Or maybe he’s just not that into me (accept for when he’s drunk and gropey).
My son will know how to date. I believe that men raised by single mothers turn out to be the most kind, sensitive-to-women and chivalrous men around. I’m realizing that dating should be taught.
How did you learn? There are lots of things about dating and sex that I wish I didn’t have to learn on my own.
Back to the date…No joke: after a couple discussions, the date plan was changed twice and we left the first place for another after we’d been seated. But we did end up at a nice Italian right on the main street down town. Great food, good conversation, flirting, open conversation. Highly enjoyable. Until the bill came. Am I wrong to want and expect to be treated to dinner? I offered to pay my part; I usually do. It seems the right thing to do even though I want to be treated. But this time I offered because he mentioned being “nervous to see the bill.” “Pay what you want” was his response. Hmmmmm…really? Reaching for my wallet, thinking ‘oops, do I have any cash?’ I said: “how about I pay the tax and tip?” Dinner total was only $58. He ended up covering the total. Was it a joke? Did he actually not want to pay? Who knows?
Now here’s the kicker. When it’s time for the date to be over we get to my car and he asks for a ride home. The first time we met he took a taxi to meet me out at birthday party at night. Red flag, right? No car? No license? DUI? Drunk before a dinner date? Well, I’m not going to skirt around any subject with a man I met on a dating website. I mean, we’ve both paid money to meet people, looking for a match; I need to know all the pertinent information up front.
I ask the questions. He “got a ride” to the date just in case he was too drunk to drive home. I’ll give him one thing; we met at a bar before dinner. But, I’m thinking it’s appropriate for a man to pick up a woman on a date and take her out. Am I wrong?
If his story is true the good thing here is that he is extra careful not to drive drunk. The bad news is that he considered getting that drunk on a first official date with me. Plus, second time meeting and no car sighting is odd in this county. Unless you’re a cyclist, you’re driving. Not the best public transit area.
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